Now for my first act, I will try to talk about my life in a way that could sound exciting to another human being.
Everything is painfully mental. You experience a life event and though it is happening before your eyes, you really are experiencing it in your noggin.
At least I am.
I am in my head 132 percent of the time. I crave the long drives from one destination to another in my ole Toyota just so I can daydream about how beautiful my life is becoming. I daydream mostly about my future home and marriage. Daren and I in a new setting. It is exciting to imagine us out of the South and in some darling suburb on the outskirts of a big city. Mommy driving to work in her little sports car and dropping Daren off at school on the way there. Maybe he would like to catch the bus instead. That still works. I imagine the man that takes me on. That will take Daren as his own. His suits hung in the closet. His cologne on the counter. His gift of innumerable tolerance…
Cause this man will need it with me.
I imagine being an engineer. Stressing over deadlines. Feeling like I am doing something of importance. Paid vacations. A hefty salary. Helping metal soar through the air and out into the Cosmos. I imagine the Mars missions. 2025, I am middle-aged. Do I become an astronaut? Can I become an astronaut? What is mankind to do on the Red Planet?
I imagine death. Is death, life? Do we start over? Do I get to be me again? I mean, please could I be me again? I imagine death again. The absence is tragic for others who do not get to go with you but hell, you could be on your way to another plane of existence where everything is fuckin’ amazing. Maybe some peeps you know are already there sipping a brew. Looking at you like “hey, it’s not so bad. I’ll take this any day.”
But who knows. I live every day in some type of question mark form. I am a question mark. A walking question mark. Silently, subconsciously, saying several silly slights in my silly, shifty little head.
“How is a raven like a writing desk?”
Wouldn’t we all like to know…
I am on Spring Break being a lard. Currently I am texting this guy I have no interest in whatsoever. I met him at a bar. NO, I did not go home with him. NO, I did not lead him on. NO, I did not ask for it.
I was simply myself. Well “drunk” myself. However I was not attracted to him at all. I just wanted to use the huge Jenga blocks that him and his friend girls were just using. I was nice, NO, not flirty nice. Just normal nice. He asked if it would be okay if he added me on the Book of Faces. I was like, “sure”. I mean I felt no harm in this. But then he immediately messaged me when we slipped out of the bar. Like telling me how attractive he thought I was, yada yada. It’s just so cringey. Unless you had a real connection with someone within the depths of a grimey bar, chances are you probably shouldn’t spit game through Facebook messenger. So now I have to entertain the poor fellow until I prove to him I am way too busy and he just gives up.
I know I sound like a bitch, but I really couldn’t be mean to his face or tell him no, or handle how he would be if I immediately shot him down. I rather let him down easy.
Today Daren and I launched a rocket. It was one of those Smithsonian thingamajigs. It was at Target for $12 and Daren really wanted it.
You just mix vinegar and baking soda and voila! It shoots off into the air a few feet. You get the oohs and ahhhs from the boy. And there.
I hung out with Frat Face yesterday and got Korean food and walked around a couple stores. No feels, no nothing. I am not staying at their house anymore. I mentioned in one of my first posts that he has been my main source for the “S” word for the last four years. Buuuuut, now that I have been crushing hard on KFK, I wanna stop all that. I feel like the Universe thinks I am being greedy so I am trying to chill and be patient and wait for KFK to maybe come to his senses and love me. I just followed him on Spotify. I hope he listens to music on there…I wanna see what he listens to. Eeeeee.
Last night I had this really vivid dream about MBE.
I am working at the salon and he walks in for a pedicure. He sits at the second chair. I am not the one who does his pedi, someone else does. In dreams, sometimes small details are a bit off. His hair was darker. Just a tad bit. Not as sandy, just a tinge browner. It was longer. He didn’t speak to me. He kept glancing over at me. In my dream I was very aware of my appearance. I knew that I looked better since the last time he saw me. But despite that it was a dream I stayed very Katherine-esque. I still felt that I could have looked better. Why do I shame myself, even in REM.
His pedicure is about to be done. My co-worker is busy so I offer to ring him up. This is my moment. I walk up to him and before I could speak, some guy he knows walks in and distracts him completely. He looks me in the eyes and says so much without uttering a word then he talks to his friend as if he doesn’t even know me. And I wake up yearning to just get an actual glance of him. He is the only “him” in this dimension, that I know of. I talk to him in my car sometimes. I yell at him. I tell him how much I adore him. I ask him a great many questions. I answer them silently and then I direct a motion picture in my head, complete with an epic soundtrack. The film stars me. Katherine. Dainty, small breasts and shoulders in a little black dress. I am sipping wine en la petit restaurant. La vie en rose. I am with a man. He wants to marry me. He has my friends and family posted around this restaurant, as he waits to pop the question. The server brings out a little blue Tiffany’s box [I know I am ridiculous, but I am the director of this Oscar winning movie]. I am shocked. Unknowing of any of this. Of my friends and family. The engagement. My now, fiance, has been planning this. He is so methodical and meticulous and observant. His sly, sexy ass. And then I proceed to forget about MBE as I eat my popcorn and watch my movie.
My coping mechanisms are a bit creative. But my coping mechanisms do work.
[Also, my featured image is actually a photo MBE took in South Carolina back in 2014 cause ya know I like nature. All the featured images in my posts are taken by me except for this one of course.]