I wish I wasn’t such a realist.

So now that Christmas break has come to a close, let me talk about my men. No I don’t own a slave ship of men but let me talk about the ones I interact with on a semi-regular basis. First, this is my current relationship situation.

I don’t date.

Okay, I want to date. But I make things complicated normally. I am excessively picky. And I have been burned over and over. The deets are so cliché. I wish I could just name a rom com and be like, “that is my love situation summed up”.

After baby daddy, I thought finding another boyfriend would be easy. Boy I was so incredibly wrong. In partial desperation aka rebounding, I went for my high school best friend. I friend zoned him hard. HARD. HARDHARDHARD. Then he went to college, joined a frat, got really fit and stuff and when I was finally single again…I went in. Failure.

Me: I am really attracted to you.
Him: You are gonna be attracted to a lot of people now that you are single.

I had grown up in the parenting/adult life while he grew up in the college frat life. Then here I am trying to revert into the young people life. He knew too much. He was light years ahead of me, living the Drake life already. Here I am, nearly innocent and there he is…sleeping with girls and giving them the read receipt the next day.

I should have backed off, but then I decided to be a read receipt recipient.

He became my casual “person”. He burned me a lot. I wasn’t used to the casual hooking up, pretending no one has feelings. It was weird. It hurt me. Not because I was head over heels for him, but because it is unnatural. But I learned a lot from his behavior to better prepare for the next. Luckily, but more tragically I met Mister Blue Eyes.(I will write an entire separate post all about MBE, because he needs an entire post.)

MBE was someone that I never thought I would ever fall for. EVER. Nothing about him was extraordinary. He had a small build, toned but still skinny. He was about 5’8″. Sandy, blondish hair. Big ears. Pale. …His eyes though. So beautiful and frosty. Piercing blue. I liked the way he spoke and how aggressive he was. He was a dork, but fronted so much confidence I couldn’t help but like him. He was one of the only men in my life that knew how to handle me. He understood my humor and appreciated it. That is probably the most important quality I need in another human. Boyfriend. Husband. Whatever.

One of our conversations…

MBE: On a scale of 1 to 10, how gangster are you?
Me: 4. Because I am not that violent and I don’t own a gat, but my rap game strong.
MBE: That was the most perfect answer I could have ever asked for.

I fell in love with him quickly. Probably one of the only men I have ever loved. My best friend read a description of what love feels like chemically. It’s like you are on drugs and it is easier for you to be positive, like nothing could get you down. He is the only person I ever felt that way about. Wow, so easy for me to rant about this one. Let me save this story for later.

There were a few after him, but not even worth speaking on. They were practice. Made me tougher. Almost heartless sometimes. BUT ANYHOO.

When I go to my hometown it seems like my slave ship of men are suffocating me. All of them blowing up my phone. Enticing me to come over. Being sweet. Being all types of ways. Like hey Kat, I never talk to you or care about your life but since you are conveniently near, how are you?

Now there is Goliath that does keep up with me when I am away at school and when I am home. He is like 6’4″. While I was down, he got wasted and he told me how he felt about me. So I know he likes me a little. I stayed with him the other night then he got weird, after he said he wouldn’t get weird. I have known him since the 2nd grade. We are super comfortable together. But now I have to second guess myself wondering if I said anything that may have bothered him. I mean I almost got us killed by an alcoholic from Florida. I am notorious for talking shit out loud before checking to see if the coast is clear. I was talking mad shit about the alcoholic’s parking. Something along the lines of “oh you think since you are from Florida you can park however you want” as he was walking back to his horribly parked vehicle. I suck. But Goliath sucks harder because he doesn’t know Hemingway.

“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”
Yes Ernest Hemingway.  I mean seriously. I know all of their real feelings, cause I make sure that I catch each man drunk at least one good time.
But my main irritation is how all of them got silent as soon as we either hung out or they caught wind that I was going home. They are all just so lazy. Men are so lazy. Of course, people will say…you are just talking to the wrong ones. NOOO. They are lazy. All types of them. Seriously. Then there is KFK and he lives 9 hours away and was visiting his fam for Christmas. I have a little girl crush on him cause he is my type and is well-spoken and intelligent. I found out he has a ton of Karma points on Reddit and I was sold right there honestly. But it is rare that we see each other. I know he is just super PHYSICALLY attracted to me and probably doesn’t even like me like that. I am not dumb. We made plans to see each other. First time he was tired from his trip down. We scheduled for the following Monday. He was too tired to come out. But when he realized I was staying in the same neck of the woods as his parents, (where he was staying) he drank a coffee and caught me on the way home. So he completely avoided going out but still managed to hang out with me when I was near him. Oh the convenience. I wished his ass Happy New Years. I only wished two people in this world a personal Happy New Years and he was one of them and he ignored it. Luckily he is not an iPhone user so I didn’t have to deal with the dreaded read receipt. I hope he dies alone.
Not really. I am just dramatic.
Goliath also hates that I like KFK but I give Goliath this chance to prove himself and he just sucks. He always talks about KFK like he knows him personally and he has never even met him. BMW is so damn scared of me that he hint hints at everything rather than just being straight up.
They are lazy. And the nice ones. I have been made into such an Ice Queen. I am not meant for the faint of heart. So I plan on being alone forever. I know that is unreasonable. I just want what I want though. Even when I like someone, I don’t even want them. If that makes sense…
I’m tired. One is currently talking to me and he totes has a girlfriend but tells me how much he wants to be with me. They have all these problems…but they are still together…but he likes me…but that doesn’t make sense…life is too short.
At this point. I wanna at least have my first divorce.  Life is too short. I wanna get married. For fun. I wanna find love every day. I want to have a monogamous relationship. While practicing polygamy. I want an open relationship. I want to be obsessed with one person. I don’t really care anymore. I just wanna feel the way I felt about MBE again. So that I can feel human. That is all.





4 thoughts on “I wish I wasn’t such a realist.

  1. Interesting read. As a dude I can say I’ve had similar feelings about the women I’ve dated or attempted to date. The lazy nature especially. Dating aside your writing is catchy. It is raw and unfiltered and is very welcome in my reading taste.


  2. Wow that was an absolute roller coaster to read! Absolutely delightful but also painfully relatable even though I’m probably a lot younger. I always liked boys but didn’t really want anything long term. I was just confused about life in my early teens I guess.

    Liked by 1 person

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