It is January 5th.
I am now in the final days of Christmas break.
I haven’t been to my place of residence in about 23 days. It is lovely. I am not at work. I am not in class. I am not in my car listening to John Mayer on repeat for four hours straight, realizing that John is speaking as every man I have ever loved in this entire universe in the last eight years of my young adult life. I am being a person today with my person.
Meet Mister Daren.
This is my human in his natural habitat with his Daren necessities which include:
2 Hot Wheels Cars ($1.42 a piece)
Wuuuuuuut? You can bring a small child happiness without spending $147, selling your soul to Satan, and becoming an organ donor? Yes. I am here to tell parents all over the United States…this is possible. Not only is it possible, it is easy. You can achieve this without any involvement of blood, sweat, tears, or Lucifer. (unless tears of happiness of course.)
Back to Daren and his list.
- He is five years old.
- He is a quarter Filipino and 75 percent American (What even is that?)
- His favorite color is blue.
- He wants to be a race car when he grows up.(I am sure he means race car driver)
Okay the list is boring.
Anyways we are spending the day together and he insisted that he get a haircut. He insisted so I had no choice at that point.
We have been repeating the words blue bubbletea over and over. At first it was cute, but now it is annoying and he is yelling it in this small, local coffee shop. I have been coming to this coffee shop since I was in middle school. I have so many memories here. The owner is this Vietnamese lady that looks slightly like a piranha. She is super white-washed and has no customer service skills. She once forgot I ordered a medium caramel latte in the drive-thru, after she made us pull up on the side. Ya know, like Burger King. Like when they are trying to keep their drive-thru times down…so they lie to the world and pull you up somewhere, hiding their incompetence. Hiding that the three Whopper meals and chicken fry order for the Lincoln Navigator ahead is not ready but corporate-Burger King-people doesn’t know that cause they are slick. But I do. Anyhooooo, the only difference is Burger King remembers you are royalty and piranha woman missed the memo. I eventually went inside. Her warm American husband was extremely apologetic and I notice him glance at his fish wife, like this was the norm for her but he probably doesn’t say shit anymore. Cause she is Asian. And you don’t say shit to an Asian woman. Cause they are psycho. So instead he made our coffees at lightning speed since she clearly forgot. And gave me two free scones. I never had a scone before, but those were legit.
I saw him today. He said hello to Mister Daren. Mister Daren ignored him. But I greeted him since my son can be an ass. However, the bubbletea was delivered very quickly. My son was a little disappointed because I ordered lychee jelly instead of bubbles and the bubbletea wasn’t quite blue, despite its name “Black and Blue”.
So today was a BIG DAY.
I traded in my iPhone 6S for a Galaxy S7 Edge. I know all you iPhone users are cringing. I cringe a little too only because I have been with Apple products since the 3GS. I won’t do a review until I have had it at least one more day.
BUT the main reason I mention this is to speak on the customer service rep I spoke to on the phone.
When I called Sprint to discuss plans, a man with a sexy European voice answered. I was instantly in love. Cause you know, they are never European unfortunately. They are something, that’s for sure, but never European. I felt like it was Christmas again. Being able to understand a customer service representative’s English. Christmas morning. Life was simplified. My birthday. Birthday cake. Gifts. But on January Cinco instead of the Virgo month.
He was great. He was attentive. He understood. He would keep saying “I understand EXACTLY what you mean.” I told him I like his voice and that I could listen to it all day. He laughed in flattery. Or at least I am assuming he was flattered. He could have been thinking “this bitch better switch over and get a damn phone but ima laugh cause she think it’s cute”. Who knows. Anyways there came a point that I had to prove my identity. He explained that I needed to go to a physical Sprint store and show them two forms of ID to complete my credit check and he would stay on the phone while I did this. This of course sounded odd to me but he was my future husband so I let it happen. So I am driving around trying to find this Sprint store and he said he can locate the one I am nearest to. He tells me the address and I realized he used my address four hours from my current location. This was bad because I cannot browse the web while on a phone call. Not because I am normally responsible and not browsing the Interweb, on a phone call, and driving simultaneously…but because I physically cannot do it with my shitty service provider I was trying to switch from. He sounded slightly disappointed that this was the wrong address. Fortunately I had Googled Sprint to find the customer service number and I could still view the page and some local locations even while on a phone call. The one listed was about 15 miles away. He insisted that he would stay on the phone with me the whole time. Wtf. I found this odd but I let it happen since he would be giving Daren a sibling in the near future.
By the time I made it there we had been on the phone together for an hour and a half. I was texting and driving and getting my sister in Louisiana to GPS the location and explain to me where it was since I was on the phone with my husband who told me he would do anything for his customer(wife) and that he did not mind staying on the phone the whole entire time cause the process would be easier since he was the one who started everything. I found this odd and even offered to let him go but he wanted to spend this eternity on the phone and it touched my heart, so I let it happen. I got to the store and the customer service rep that was there attempted to help me. I told him the sitch and I could tell he thought this was odd. Really odd. I handed him my man via the iPhone and I realized the truth.
My phone man didn’t care about me. He only cared about his commission. He was going to try and set me up on the phone, get the physical store to verify me and do his dirty work, and then take all the commission, while I wait one week for my phone. I could have just did it with the actual human in front of me and got the phone instantly.
And that is exactly what I did.
I hung up on my lover and learned a valuable lesson which I have learned time and time again.
Trust no man.